Wednesday, September 15, 2010

September 7, 2010 7:06 a.m. Stuck In The Elevator With You

25th floor
Oh, no. Cardinal Rule broken.  Never get on an elevator with a full bladder. All my dreams of a romantic encounter smashed. Stuck in an elevator with him while  peeing in my pants like a dirty old tramp.  Better yet, I have my exercise bottle.  What will he do? Politely look away. What if he is one of those freaks.  You know what I mean.  I don’t have to spell it out.
I’m in a big hurry now.  I can’t get off this elevator fast enough.

24th floor
There’s no music on this damn elevator.  Only silence.  The elevator jerks again and we are moving.  Why didn’t I read the tabloids.  I would know, if he was a nut.  Celebrities have no private life.  Right now all I can think about is getting off this elevator. 
He’s just standing there innocent.  Well as innocent as anybody can be.  Which reminds me.  I wore the Halloween panties today.  The ones with the devil and the pitchfork.  It’s not Halloween.

23rd floor
The elevator rattles, jerks and then stops.  I scream, "Oh, No."
He looks at me incredulously, and says, "It's probably someone else getting on". 
Nothing happens.  I stand there in stricken silence with a full bladder and devil panties. Me and my devil panties.  The brunt of talk shows as he conveys his experience with Jay Leno and the Women on the View.  The Pee Bottle Woman. I would be the subject of Today Show and their medical doctor’s advice on controlling a weak bladder.  Matt Lauer joking about installing Depends dispensers on all elevators.  Please Matt, no.  We still are not moving.
There is an intercom and Oh, please, no Lord, a camera in the corner of the elevator.

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