Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Stuck in the Elevator With You

10th Floor
We haven't moved in five minutes.  Is it possible that I could hold my bladder for just a few more minutes.  I see the eye of the camera starring down at me.  He's talking or mumbling about ways to get out of here.  I know I will not be able to hold this much longer.  All the years of obscurity obliterated in the time it takes to pee in a bottle.  I look at him.
"I have to pee."  I said it.  He just looks at me.

"Really."  He says.

That's when I catch him looking at the camera.  So he too knows that in all likelihood everything done here is being recorded for posterity.  Is that why he was playing the hero on the 13th floor?  I am so cynical.  Maybe he is a good guy.

I look up at the camera.
 "I guess no one is monitoring that thing because surely someone would have tried to get us out by now.  Maybe it's not even recording.  I am not going to be able to wait much longer."
I think I am about to cry or pee.  Sort of  like coming out at both ends.  I know we have seen all the movies where the stars puke, pee and everything else for the camera, but that is all a joke.  This is real and tomorrow, alive or dead, I could be on You Tube.  My five minutes of fame washing down the elevator floor.

He looks at me.  "I don't know what to say."

"I am not waiting any longer.  You stand at that corner and turn your back."   "And I will stand in this corner."

This is not happening and I am not saying this.

I grab my bottle and try to put it in my pants.  It's done.  Blessed relief.  Terrible humiliation. He says nothing. Just stands in the corner.  Thank you for baggy pants.  Oh, no.  The elevator is moving.  I balancing myself and trying not to spill anything.

9th floor
8th floor
7th floor

Why didn't I wait?

6th floor
5th floor

Everything is quiet.  I am standing in the 5th floor of the elevator with a bottle of pee in my hand and a famous movie star in the corner.

Always think to yourself that tomorrow is another day.  You can get through the next crisis.