Thursday, October 7, 2010

Stuck in the Elevator With Your October 7, 2010

13th Floor
“Maybe we can pry open the doors.”   He speculates.  He’s probably just getting over the shock of near death.
“With what?  You got a crowbar in your pocket?” I quip.   Whoops.  Am I a jerk or what?
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude.”  I apologize.  What am I thinking?  He’s trying to get us out of here and I’m sending out barbs. 
He just says, “What you got in that satchel?  Maybe there’s something in there we can use.”
He’s pointing at my carryall. 
“It’s just my papers and gym clothes.”  I say.
Then all of sudden, I remember.
“Wait a minute.”  I grab my bag and start piling through.  I jerk out my clipboard with a happy smile.
“What about this?” 
Then I look at the clipboard in my hand.  There’s a stay free maxi pad stuck to the top.  It’s just flapping there.  I grab at the pad and throw it in back in the bag.   I am so embarrassed.
We just look at each other for a minute. 
“You still want to use this?”  I say.
“Hell, yeah.”  He says and he’s smiling.
That’s when we start using my clipboard to jimmy open the elevator door.  We are grunting and pushing.  Nothing.
“Maybe there’s some way we can climb out of the top.”  I’m already looking around for some way to climb out of there.  My sturdy shoes don’t seem so bad anymore.  All the disaster, thriller movies have the heroes climbing out of the elevator.  The women are always wearing these impossible shoes and scanty clothes.  I am way ahead of the game here.  I am prepared.
Just about that time, the elevator starts to jerk again. 
“Would a drop from the 13th floor kill you?”   My legs are quivering.
“It might, but I’m not going to let that happen.” He looks so certain, so positive.  And I believe him.
Ladies, every once and while you need to go through your bag and clean it out and that means your gym bag too.  Put everything in its proper place.  That way so many situations can be avoided.  For instance, where is my favorite lipstick? And what about this one and I know you all have been there.  She’s the annoying woman in the checkout line that cannot find her checkbook or her wallet.  No, the rest of us are not in a hurry.  That’s why I go to the grocery store. That way I can stand in line and read all the magazines I’m too cheap to buy.  Ever been somewhere and needed a comb.  Where could it be?  In the body of the purse with the pencils, lipstick, change and the old snack bar that you forgot you had.  Yummy.  Although, there is something to be said about an emergency snack. 
Because what are those big purses about, anyway.  Here is a woman of the 21st century with a bag bigger than a breadbasket on her shoulder.  If you gonna carry something like that, make sure that you have all the equipment inside. 
And what does a bag say about a woman.  Think about it for a while.  Does it say I can’t go anywhere without what?  Without my wallet, my keys, my comb, my lipstick, my address book, my pens, my pencils, my notebook, my pictures of whoever, my compact.  For God sakes.  Why don’t we just carry a suitcase and be done with it.  That way if we have a mental meltdown, we don’t have to go home.  We can just keep on driving.